Mismatched Conflict Styles: What to Do When One Person Shuts Down and the Other Speaks Up

One of the most common dynamics I see in couples therapy is what’s often called the “pursue-withdraw” pattern. One partner tends to push for conversation, clarity, or resolution during conflict while the other shuts down, avoids, or leaves the room. Sound familiar?

This dynamic can be incredibly frustrating for both partners. The person who speaks up may feel abandoned or stonewalled, while the one who withdraws may feel overwhelmed or attacked. If left unchecked, this mismatch can erode emotional safety, deepen resentment, and prevent real resolution.

But there’s good news: you can break the cycle and create a more collaborative way of working through conflict. The first step is understanding what’s happening beneath the surface.

Why Conflict Styles Differ

Our conflict styles are shaped by many factors: our family of origin, past relationships, nervous system responses, and communication skills.

• The Pursuer often feels anxious when connection is threatened. They tend to escalate efforts to talk or resolve things quickly, sometimes raising their voice or repeating themselves in frustration.

• The Withdrawer often feels overwhelmed by emotion or conflict. Their instinct is to shut down, retreat, or become silent—sometimes in an effort to prevent things from getting worse.

Neither style is “wrong.” But when these patterns go unaddressed, they can create a feedback loop where each partner’s reaction intensifies the other’s.

Signs You’re Stuck in the Pursue-Withdraw Cycle

• One partner tends to initiate most hard conversations while the other avoids them

• Arguments escalate quickly, or one person goes silent while the other becomes more emotional

• After a disagreement, there’s little resolution—just time and distance

• One partner says, “I can never get you to talk to me,” while the other says, “You never stop pushing”

How to Create New Patterns Together

1. Name the Pattern, Not the Person

It’s easy to blame your partner’s reaction, but it’s more helpful to name the cycle you’re in. For example: “I notice that when I push to talk and you pull away, we both end up frustrated.” This shifts the focus from blame to teamwork.

2. Understand the Underlying Emotion

The pursuer may be driven by fear of disconnection; the withdrawer may be driven by fear of escalation. Naming the vulnerable emotions underneath (like fear, hurt, or anxiety) can help both partners feel seen and reduce defensiveness.

3. Take Breaks That Reconnect, Not Avoid

If a conflict gets too heated, it’s okay to take a break—but it should be intentional. The withdrawer can say, “I need 20 minutes to cool down, but I promise to come back and talk.” The pursuer needs reassurance that the conversation isn’t being abandoned.

4. Use Gentle Start-Ups

Start difficult conversations with warmth and curiosity rather than blame. Try using “I” statements and asking questions like: “Can we talk about what happened earlier? I want to understand how you felt.” A softer approach can make the withdrawer feel safer to stay present.

5. Practice Co-Regulation

Instead of trying to “win” the argument, focus on staying emotionally connected. This might mean slowing down, breathing together, or validating each other’s experiences. Conflict resolution isn’t just about the issue—it’s about preserving the relationship.

6. Seek Outside Support If You’re Stuck

If these patterns are deeply ingrained, working with a couples therapist can help both partners feel heard and supported. A therapist can offer structure, emotional safety, and tools tailored to your dynamic.

A Conflict Style Doesn’t Define You

Just because you and your partner approach conflict differently doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. These styles are often complementary—you just need the tools and awareness to meet in the middle.

When you learn to recognize the pattern, validate each other’s experience, and commit to breaking the cycle together, conflict becomes less scary—and more productive.

Looking for support navigating these dynamics? Reach out here to schedule a consultation and start transforming the way you communicate.